International Association of Coaching Blog

When the Best Coaching Tool Isn’t a Question

by Mattison Grey, MCC (IAC)

What is your favorite "go to" coaching tool? Coaches really shouldn't have favorite tools, but, let’s face it, we do. My favorite is acknowledgement; I have been using and experimenting with acknowledgement since I started coaching in 1997. Since that time I have seen this simple tool produce amazing results, and I believe that regardless of how great a coach you are, putting acknowledgment into your coaching tool box will make you a better coach.

When I first present this idea to people they say things like "I know what acknowledgment is. I acknowledge people all the time." You may even be thinking that right now. I would like to invite you to stay curious, because whatever you are currently doing, I can almost guarantee that it is not acknowledgement—not true, pure acknowledgement. Most people, even coaches, have not deeply contemplated the distinction between acknowledgment and other communication tools such as appreciation, compliments, praise and validation.

Often people assume acknowledgement exists within something else, like compliments, appreciation, validation, affirmation, thanking, recognition, praise or championing. These are well-used coaching tools. However, none of them are truly acknowledgment and more importantly they all have one big limiting factor—none of them are actually about the person to whom they are directed. They are about you.

Acknowledgement is a very different kind of communication tool that very few people, even coaches, are taking advantage of.

Acknowledgment is saying what a person did, or results they achieved, delivered with a tone of appreciation, curiosity or surprise, and without judgment.

Let’s look at the distinctions in this example:

A project manager has completed her project on time and on budget.

In this scenario, here is what our other communication tools would sound like.

Compliment: The project turned out great. You are so smart and capable.
Appreciation: I really appreciate you completing this project on time.
Validation: I see that you have given this project a lot of effort and thought.
Affirmation: I think you deserve all the credit for this successful project.
Thanking: Thank you for getting the project done on time and for all your effort on this project.
Recognition: It is clear you are a very talented project manager.
Praise: Awesome job.
Championing: I told your supervisor that you were the right person for this project.
Cheerleading: I told you, you could do it!

Most of us have used these with clients at some point; they are useful in a lot of situations. But, as I mentioned, they all have a limitation. Not one of these statements is actually about the project manager or what she actually accomplished. All of these statements are either opinion or judgment of the speaker about something the receiver did. Hang in there; this is the point where it gets hard. It doesn’t seem possible, but really take a look. None of the above statements are a statement of fact. They are an opinion and/or judgment about the fact, and therefore really about the person delivering them, not the person receiving them.

Here is what acknowledgement sounds like:

Acknowledgement: You completed the project on time and on budget!

{Tone is important here. Use a tone of appreciation, curiosity or surprise, whichever is most appropriate in the moment.}

Of all these communication tools, the only one that is factual and that puts all of the attention and focus on the other person is acknowledgement. Acknowledgment is the only one that is not about you as the giver. When people get true acknowledgment it is like jet fuel. It gives them energy, lights them up and spurs them on. It also gives them an opportunity to learn about themselves and own their accomplishments. I can’t count how many times I have observed a simple, well-timed acknowledgment literally change the way a client viewed themselves and their situation in an instant.

Sometimes the best coaching is not a question at all. But don’t take my word for it, go out and try it. A word of warning: Acknowledgment is an incredibly simple idea, but not easy to implement. Getting yourself and your opinion out of the conversation can be quite challenging, even for the best of us. Finally, stay curious and tolerate your learning curve. This may be a brand new tool for you, and if so, it will be a little clumsy at first. Hang in there and practice, practice, practice ~ your clients will thank you for it.

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Mattison Grey M. Ed., MCC (IAC) is a business and leadership coach, professional speaker and author. Mattison’s book The Motivation Myth is a powerful and provocative look at acknowledgment and explores how our current language of motivation actually limits peoples’ performance. http://greystoneguides.com/blog/

Becoming a Master Listener

by Mike Goonan, MCC (IAC)

Being a great listener is the first step in becoming a masterful coach. It is extremely critical for us as coaches to be completely present with our clients. Our clients know and sense if we are present with them in the session or if we are wandering off.

Here are some easy tips you can implement immediately into your coaching sessions:

1) Check in with yourself
Before the coaching call ask yourself, "On a scale of 1-10, how present am I for this call?" Using the 1-10 scale allows us to become aware of anything that is interfering or might interfere with our listening during a coaching call.

2) Eliminate distractions
Set aside any pens, pencils, paper, books or anything else that might distract you when you’re coaching. Also, turn off your television, computer, cell phone, iPad or anything else that might take your attention away from the client.

3) Focus on the client
Remember, the entire coaching call is about the client, not about you as the coach! It is very natural for a client’s story to trigger something within us. If this happens, write it down so you have the opportunity to process it after the coaching call. On the other hand, a client's words can sometimes remind you of a story that could be beneficial to share. To make sure your focus is still on the client, check in about your motives. Do you truly feel moved to share the story in service of the client, or just because you want to tell the story? Also, always ask your client’s permission to tell the story, and follow up with a thought-provoking question that helps the client process the learning opportunity in the story.

4) Clarify, clarify, clarify
If a client makes a statement or uses a term that you don’t understand, check out the meaning. Your perception of a situation could be completely opposite of what your client is trying to get across. Open-ended questions and reflective listening are two great ways to clarify during a coaching call.

These four simple tips will help you to build and maintain stronger relationships with your clients and give you the opportunity to move them deeper in their process.

Mike Goonan, MCC (IAC), CFLC II is a Certified Fearless Living Coach and has been coaching individuals and couples for over five years. At the age of 24, Mike became the youngest MCC (IAC) to date, and continues to lead the way for coaches of the millennial generation. http://www.jumpingintofreedom.webs.com

How the IAC Learning Agreement Informs our Work

by DeeAnna Merz Nagel and Kate Anthony

Editor's note: As part of our ongoing series of interviews that highlight IAC members' experiences with the new Learning Agreement process, this blog post portrays how it can be just as effectively applied to an organization as it can to an individual. You will also find a unique opportunity to engage with this organization and other IAC members in online discussions about the IAC Masteries^®. If you would like to share your own story about creating an IAC Learning Agreement, please email voice@certifiedcoach.org.

What was your experience in submitting a Learning Agreement Proposal?

To become an IAC Licensee of the Masteries we agreed to work toward the IAC-Practitioner level credential. The IAC-Practitioner process seemed to be a learning experience that we could extend to our community and fold into our teachings at the Online Coach Institute. While we each have our own Learning Agreement and personal goals about sharing the Masteries with other professionals (therapists and coaches alike), we have common objectives that overlap in our Learning Agreements. It was a simple process and we collaborated on deciding what our activities should be—joint activities that fit with our work and separate ones in working towards separate coaching credentials.

What are some of the activities you designated in your proposal?

One objective is the development of a course that discusses the Masteries in light of working online and how the Masteries relate to concepts such as telepresence and online disinhibition. We decided we wanted to bring the Masteries to our students regardless of what courses they might be taking through the Online Coach Institute. As a practitioner in the UK, Kate extended hers to include discussing the Masteries with colleagues within the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy’s Coaching division.

We found the Masteries to be the most comprehensive set of coach competencies and knew we wanted to incorporate the Masteries into our work as Coach Educators.

What will you measure or track over the year in preparation for submitting your Completed Learning Agreement?

We will have full transcripts of our online collaborations via our secure forum available to us, the number of which will grow throughout the year. It is these discussions about how the Masteries could apply to working online that will inform the creation of the Masteries Online Course—that will be the true measure of the year when it is complete.

What are some suggestions for coaches who are designing their own Learning Agreement?

Bear in mind that it is possible to overcomplicate it!

What did you appreciate about the process?

The interview prior to the process was pleasant, professional and realistic about where the Learning Agreement could or should be trimmed.

How do you hope the process will evolve?

Our goal is to create a vibrant community of like-thinking people, and we are looking forward to the discussion.

What else would you like VOICE readers and the global coaching community to know about the new Learning Agreement process?

We have created a discussion board called Applying the Masteries to Our Work in the Online Coach Institute's private and secure Consultation and Business forum. If you are an IAC member with an interest in mentoring others, we invite you join us at the forum! We hope to develop a vibrant discussion with seasoned IAC coaches and "newbies" alike. If you are interested, just email us at info@onlinecoachinstitute.com with your name, IAC member number and preferred email address. We will register you and send you a welcome packet.

 

 
Kate Anthony and DeeAnna Nagel are leading experts and trainers on the use of technology in coaching and counseling. They are co-editors and co-authors of textbooks, articles, chapters and journals on the subject. They co-founded the Online Coach Institute and TILT Magazine—Therapeutic Innovations in Light of Technology.

 

Elephant Mastery

by Jennifer Day

Last year, I came across an analogy in a book (The Happiness Hypothosis by Jonathan Haidt) that struck me as very clever. Encountering it again a few months ago in another book (Switch by Chip and Dan Heath), my esteem increased by several notches from "That's clever" to "That's bloody brilliant!" and then "What a terrific analogy for coaches to use!"

The analogy I'm referring to describes the concept many of you may be aware of; that our emotions underlie our thinking, which in turn drives our behaviour. However it describes this concept in somewhat more imaginative and compelling terms, looking something like this:

Imagine that a person is riding an elephant along a pathway. The elephant represents our emotions. The person riding the elephant represents our thinking (the brain) and the pathway represents our environment, such as the people are surroundings we interact with and the destination we are headed for.

For a journey to run smoothly, the pathway needs to be obvious, not cluttered by too much junk, wide enough and otherwise conducive to the journey and the safe arrival at our chosen destination.

While the idea of a path needing to be clear and conducive is probably an analogy you are already familiar with, the concept that is more unusual here is using an elephant to symbolize emotions, while rational thought is represented by a mere man—mere in terms of comparative size to the elephant, that is!

In this context size does matter, because it indicates power and force and, as we know (even if we rarely take it into consideration on a daily basis), emotions are more powerful than thoughts. In fact, emotions are so much more powerful than thoughts that the ratio is probably quite accurately depicted in this image. Keep going with the analogy and it may look something like this:

When the elephant is well fed and watered (content), looked after (acknowledged), cared for (validated), and well-trained (ability for self-regulation and self-soothing) he is happy to oblige the will of his rider's commands (logical reasoning) and go where his rider tells him to go.

However, if he has been deprived of food and water (denial), has been neglected (invalidated and left untrained) and kept confined (suppressed), he will not be in any condition to obey his master well. If the rider attempts to force his compliance, the elephant will likely become resentful, uncooperative, defiant, and eventually veer out of control (frustration, anger, or other unpleasant emotion). No matter how much the rider holds the reins and may look like he's in charge, at that point he is immobilized simply because the six-ton elephant is the larger, more powerful one. Imagine trying to reach your destination in this scenario!

Translate all this back to your own day-to-day environment thoughts, and emotions—and those of your clients—and you may get some insights into why life isn't always happening the way we want or think it should! For example, do you ever find yourself escaping into your laptop during meetings when you know you shouldn't be? Or not speaking up when you know you should? Do you ever hear yourself saying something you'll regret, but you can't stop yourself? Or losing your temper and yelling at your child? Do you know you shouldn't be eating that cholesterol-packed meal but you just can't help it? Do you want to be exercising or meditating but can't seem to get around to it? I could go on and on with examples of procrastination, flared tempers, avoidance, stressed out behaviors, and—well, you get the picture!

When your elephant rider wants you to stop (or start) doing something, but you neglect to address your elephant's needs, your elephant could very well charge off and leave your wishes and plans by the side of the road. Or he may just settle himself down and refuse to move at all. Does that sound like what sometimes happens to you?

The good news is that when your elephant rider considers the elephant's needs, and the two of them work together, you can rest assured that you will arrive at your destination (what you want to achieve or how you'd like to behave). And when your brain's systems are working together so coherently, you will gain the heightened intelligence to ensure that the pathway—your environment and conditions—is as supportive as possible.

So next time you feel yourself not being congruent in thought and deed, or in feeling and expression, give yourself a brief time out. Practice some deep breathing and ask yourself what is going on with your elephant. Or is there something going on with your elephant rider—over-analysis, over-thinking, etc.—that is creating some emotional insecurity in your elephant? Whatever comes to you, however brief an insight, write it down; if appropriate, act on it.

This whole process will normally take 2-3 minutes, but can often save you hours or even weeks by gaining the increased coherence between elephant and rider! And the more often you practice this, the easier and quicker it will get. Once you've practiced it enough and feel it works for you, try it out with your clients—in my experience, there really is nothing like developing this kind of emotional intelligence; getting the elephant and rider working together. I call it Applied Emotional Mastery, but maybe we should call it Elephant Mastery!

 

Jennifer Day teaches and coaches coaching practitioners, managers, executives, and parents to help themselves and others build resilience to stress and higher levels of emotional intelligence. She developed AEM – Applied Emotional Mastery ^® , a methodology for practical, ‘on the go’ emotional self-regulation. www.AppliedEmotionalMastery.com

The Myth and Reality of Nonprofit Work-Life Balance

by Alex Carter

Nonprofit leaders are a different breed. Until very recently, few of them had management backgrounds or MBAs. They founded or joined organizations not to get ahead or make money, but to change the world. They willingly work longer hours for lower pay than their talents would bring in the private sector. And, very importantly, they frequently don't think of "work" as separate from "life."

When your work is your passion, the idea of "balance" has to be redefined.

This is particularly important in 2012, when the stress of nonprofit leadership is greater than ever. Leaders of smaller nonprofits are faced with reduced support and increasing demand for services. They are deciding how many staff to cut, determining which programs or activities can be postponed or cancelled, and working with their boards to fill funding gaps.

Given these realities, how can we help our nonprofit clients find balance? What skills and attitudes characterize nonprofit leaders who feel they have a good work-life balance?

For many of my clients, balance is not a scale, with equal weight placed on work and life. It's more like a pendulum. On any given day, or during any given week, the amount of time or energy spent on work or on life will vary. Mental health can be found at many points along the pendulum's path.

The best leaders don't leave balance to chance. They plan. Rather than mostly reacting to events, good nonprofit executives look ahead and are proactive. It's a key skill for keeping one's sanity. While they can't anticipate everything, they schedule regular planning sessions—daily, weekly and monthly.

For my clients, there are three important questions in the planning matrix:

First, how can you maximize time on things that feed your energy, and minimize what saps it? Energy boosters usually include the things that propelled nonprofit leaders into service in the first place—spending time with clients or developing a new program—but that often get lost in the day-to-day details. I encourage clients to plan to engage in more of those activities. As for the things that sap their energy, they can decide which of these can be delegated or deferred. Whatever can be done by someone else should be done by someone else.

Second, how can you ask for help? One of my clients has asked board members to attend meetings she cannot make. To make sure she keeps abreast of important issues, she has provided them with a simple form on which they can note important questions or decisions that came from the meeting. She has freed several hours per week with this step. As an added bonus, her board members feel more engaged in the work.

Sometimes, though, there is no substitute for a mental and physical break.

So the third planning question is when was the last time you took a vacation? I once worked with an executive director who hadn't taken significant time off in 10 years, and his health and happiness were suffering. We worked on a plan that prioritized a vacation. After some time away, he had renewed focus and passion for his work. He has since taken regular vacations, and insists his staff do the same.

How does the ideal of work-life balance play out in your clients' lives? What have you found works best for them?

 

Alex Carter, Your Nonprofit Coach, specializes in helping new Executive Directors become outstanding managers and leaders, while keeping their sanity. She can be reached through her web site, www.yournonprofitcoach.com.