Congratulations to Joyce Kubik from Avon Lake, OH, USA and Angela Spaxmam from Hong Kong who recently earned the Skilled Coach Certification, CC (IAC) designation!
May 03, 2012
April 26, 2012
When the Best Coaching Tool Isn’t a Question
by Mattison Grey, MCC (IAC)
What is your favorite "go to" coaching tool? Coaches really shouldn't have favorite tools, but, let’s face it, we do. My favorite is acknowledgement; I have been using and experimenting with acknowledgement since I started coaching in 1997. Since that time I have seen this simple tool produce amazing results, and I believe that regardless of how great a coach you are, putting acknowledgment into your coaching tool box will make you a better coach.
When I first present this idea to people they say things like "I know what acknowledgment is. I acknowledge people all the time." You may even be thinking that right now. I would like to invite you to stay curious, because whatever you are currently doing, I can almost guarantee that it is not acknowledgement—not true, pure acknowledgement. Most people, even coaches, have not deeply contemplated the distinction between acknowledgment and other communication tools such as appreciation, compliments, praise and validation.
Often people assume acknowledgement exists within something else, like compliments, appreciation, validation, affirmation, thanking, recognition, praise or championing. These are well-used coaching tools. However, none of them are truly acknowledgment and more importantly they all have one big limiting factor—none of them are actually about the person to whom they are directed. They are about you.
Acknowledgement is a very different kind of communication tool that very few people, even coaches, are taking advantage of.
Acknowledgment is saying what a person did, or results they achieved, delivered with a tone of appreciation, curiosity or surprise, and without judgment.
Let’s look at the distinctions in this example:
A project manager has completed her project on time and on budget.
In this scenario, here is what our other communication tools would sound like.
Compliment: The project turned out great. You are so smart and capable.
Appreciation: I really appreciate you completing this project on time.
Validation: I see that you have given this project a lot of effort and thought.
Affirmation: I think you deserve all the credit for this successful project.
Thanking: Thank you for getting the project done on time and for all your effort on this project.
Recognition: It is clear you are a very talented project manager.
Praise: Awesome job.
Championing: I told your supervisor that you were the right person for this project.
Cheerleading: I told you, you could do it!
Most of us have used these with clients at some point; they are useful in a lot of situations. But, as I mentioned, they all have a limitation. Not one of these statements is actually about the project manager or what she actually accomplished. All of these statements are either opinion or judgment of the speaker about something the receiver did. Hang in there; this is the point where it gets hard. It doesn’t seem possible, but really take a look. None of the above statements are a statement of fact. They are an opinion and/or judgment about the fact, and therefore really about the person delivering them, not the person receiving them.
Here is what acknowledgement sounds like:
Acknowledgement: You completed the project on time and on budget!
{Tone is important here. Use a tone of appreciation, curiosity or surprise, whichever is most appropriate in the moment.}
Of all these communication tools, the only one that is factual and that puts all of the attention and focus on the other person is acknowledgement. Acknowledgment is the only one that is not about you as the giver. When people get true acknowledgment it is like jet fuel. It gives them energy, lights them up and spurs them on. It also gives them an opportunity to learn about themselves and own their accomplishments. I can’t count how many times I have observed a simple, well-timed acknowledgment literally change the way a client viewed themselves and their situation in an instant.
Sometimes the best coaching is not a question at all. But don’t take my word for it, go out and try it. A word of warning: Acknowledgment is an incredibly simple idea, but not easy to implement. Getting yourself and your opinion out of the conversation can be quite challenging, even for the best of us. Finally, stay curious and tolerate your learning curve. This may be a brand new tool for you, and if so, it will be a little clumsy at first. Hang in there and practice, practice, practice ~ your clients will thank you for it.
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Mattison Grey M. Ed., MCC (IAC) is a business and leadership coach, professional speaker and author. Mattison’s book The Motivation Myth is a powerful and provocative look at acknowledgment and explores how our current language of motivation actually limits peoples’ performance. http://greystoneguides.com/blog/
Tools for Coaching Mastery
This column is provided by an IAC Coaching Masteries®-Licensed School or Mentor.
Meet "C.W.": The Curious Witness Who Makes It Easier for You to Coach and to Approach Challenges
by Doris Helge, MCC (IAC)
Allow me to introduce you to a part of yourself that is perfectly prepared to connect you with a deep sense of inner peace, even when you're unsure about which way to go while you're coaching or confronting a challenge.
C.W. is your “Curious Witness.” C.W. is one of the most effective and effortless tools you’ll ever discover for transforming discomfort into personal power and joy. It is an expansion of IAC Mastery #4—Processing in the Present.
C.W. already lives inside of you. Notice that you're analyzing the idea of a C.W. while you read this article. You've just proven that part of you is already playing the role of a neutral witness. This component of yourself is, and always has been, a friendly part of your core self.
When you discover how to use C.W., you develop profound trust in yourself and in the process of life. You avoid emotional roller coasters, self-judgment and judgment of your experiences.
With C.W., you become so curious about watching the movie of your life that you can’t wait to see how each scene turns out. You accept life on its own terms, so you’re filled with inner peace. You trust that your movie (your life) will continue to be interesting, so you have no desire or demand that it turn out a certain way. Since you have no attachment to a certain outcome, you witness your life in an impartial manner.
When you discover how to work with C.W. you observe yourself having unpleasant feelings or experiences. You don’t avoid or deny your emotions because what we resist persists. However, your emotions don’t become a primary identity. You acknowledge negative emotions and experience them as sensations in your body. You still gain the benefits of emotions, including new insights, but you're very clear that you are not the anger, fear or sadness that you observe yourself experiencing.
Because C.W. is a neutral, factual observer detached from emotional angst, negative feelings flow through very quickly. There's no resistance. You easily detect misperceptions so they gently fade away. When you work with C.W., you're blessed with an impartial umpire 24/7.
This means that you effortlessly avoid the temptation to judge your experiences as bad, unfortunate or unnecessary. Fears of the unknown are overwhelmed by excitement concerning your next steps. Your energy is fully available to you. With the curiosity and enthusiasm of a toddler exploring a colorful new playground, you ask yourself, “I wonder what’s next?”
C.W. also calms your inner critic because you simply observe mental chatter. Instead of believing in—empowering—your critic’s negative messages, the deeper, all-knowing part of you takes over.
A wonderful and spontaneous transition occurs when C.W. consistently serves as your personal assistant. One day, you notice that you have substituted curiosity and the joy of learning for expectations that cause pain when they don’t come to fruition.
Because C.W. helps you experience life in the moment, you link with one of your best resources—your intuition. You steadily prove to yourself that you always have dependable inner guidance when you're coaching. Since happiness is a side effect of living fully in each moment and following your internal clues, you notice yourself smiling more often.
This one simple technique—employing a personal witness—can help you let go of struggle and judgment and enjoy peace of mind as a new familiar zone. Start now to connect with the deep state of inner peace that is always available to you. Your clients will also gain clarity faster and easier when you use this expansion of IAC Mastery #4.
Doris Helge, Ph.D., MCC (IAC) is the founder of the IAC-licensed training school, Confident Coach Connection. She also created the New Coach Virtual Chapter of IAC and will be presenting an IAC webinar in May 2012. Download free chapters from Doris' Amazon.com #1 bestselling books at http://FreeJoyEbooks.com.
To register for the IAC webinar, please visit:
https://www4.gotomeeting.com/register/171140519
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